Strawhat Theater: The Captain's Privilege
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: A bit of One Piece crack, in the style of the Strawhat Theater television shorts. Enjoy.


_Just a bit of randomness for my hundredth published fic, for a fandom I've never written for. Please forgive me.  
_

[One Piece Strawhat Theater]

"The Captain's Privilege"

By Andrew J. Talon and The Sage of Toads

_Disclaimer_:_ One Piece is not my creation, nor am I making profit off it. Please don't sue._

_Be warned, totally shameless crack ahead. Don't think too hard about it, it's not that kind of fare. Written with help from Anonguy. Big surprise I'm sure._

* * *

It is a fact yet to be universally acknowledged and yet one hundred percent true that Luffy D. Monkey is a badass. Mere days before arriving at Amazon Lily, his latest example of his pure awesome had been punched into the face of Saint Charloss, a Celestial Dragon and one of the most influential people in the world. That the consequences would be most dire hadn't even broken Luffy's stride-He was just that badass. So it was little surprise that when he unleashed the King's Haki in the battle arena of Amazon Lily, it overwhelmed every woman there.

It also made Boa automatically and irreversibly wet for him.

"Hm? What does that mean, wet for me? She wasn't standing out in the rain," our captain said, scratching the top of his straw hat wearing head. As the scene transitioned from a meta context to a canon one, Luffy turned to see Boa Hancock standing next to him, as he stood on the deck of the _Thousand Sunny_. "Oh! Hancock!"

"Oh, L-Luffy!" Hancock gasped, and covered her blushing cheeks. She looked away. Nami entered the scene, and her eyes narrowed.

"Who is this? And that?"

Nyon huffed, and cleared her throat.

"It means, Luffy, that Hancock wishes to marry you," the old Kuja said. Luffy blinked, and Hancock gasped in embarrassment.

"MARRY HIM?" The whole of the rest of the Straw Hats cried. Luffy blinked.

"Marry me?" He scratched the top of his head.

"You DO know what getting married means, right?" Nami demanded. Luffy hummed, and then shrugged.

"Nope."

"It figures," the majority of the crew said in unison. Chopper tilted his head cutely.

"What does it mean?" Chopper asked.

"Yeah, what does it mean?" Luffy asked. Nyon cleared her throat once more. She stared at Luffy for several moments, and Luffy stared back. She then smiled.

"It means she wants to be with you and have your babies, Luffy," she said kindly and slowly.

Luffy blinked. He thought about it. He raised his finger, his face a study in grave seriousness.

"Yes Luffy?" Nyon asked.

"... Can I still eat meat?" Luffy asked. Hancock saw her chance and beamed.

"I-I will cook you all the meat you could want, Luffy!" She cried.

Luffy's eyes bugged out. "R-Really?"

"Yes... That is what wives do for their husbands," Hancock said, poking her fingers together and looking off to the side. Luffy grinned.

"Cook me? Meat?"

"For you. Her husband," Nyon confirmed. Luffy laughed, and held the back of his head.

"Wow! Why haven't I gotten a wife sooner?" He grinned. He then blinked, and thought about it.

"Hey... Wait a second... Am I married to Sanji?"

"Who?" Nyon asked, as Sanji's eyes flew wide open.

"NO WAY!" Sanji bellowed.

"He's my cook," Luffy shook her head, feeling exasperated.

"No, that's merely his job."

"That's a relief!" Luffy sighed. "What else does a wife do?"

"Well she takes care of you when you're sick."

"Uwah, now I'm married to Chopper?"

"AH?" Chopper cried, throwing his hooves up in panic.

"Who?"

"My ship doctor."

"Oh, no, no! It's just his job."

"Oh, I see. So what else is there?"

"The wife usually handles things like mending your clothes."

"Uwah, now I'm married to Nami?"

"Who?"

"She's my navigator."

"Oh. Oh.. OH!"

"L-Luffy... you..." Hancock began to faint.

"Empress!"

"Ah? What'd I say? Am I married to Nami?" Luffy asked. He looked over at Nami, just in time to see her fist in his face. "OW!"

"Of course not, you idiot!" Nami growled. Hancock rallied at this, and smiled widely. Luffy returned it. At Nyon's nod, Hancock fell to her knees and bowed humbly before Luffy.

"Please, Luffy-sama, let me be your wife!"

"ALL RI-!"

"AHEM."

All eyes turned to the source of the interruption. Nami eyed the two pirate captains, one aspiring Pirate King and the other Snake Empress. She strode over to Luffy and, to the surprise of all and sundry, wrapped her arms around him.

"Eh? Nami?" Luffy asked.

"I'm afraid that will be impossible," Nami said calmly. She smiled. "You see... Luffy is going to be _my_ husband."

Dead silence filled the air. Even a marauding Sea King froze in its attempt to devour the Thousand Sunny at this revelation. He was promptly devoured by a bigger Sea King, which went off on its way never to be seen again. So really, having him here was entirely pointless.

"But Nami, you can't cook."

"I can too! And that's not important you idiot!"

"And you said you weren't my wife-"

"OF COURSE NOT! We're not married yet!" Nami shook her head and smiled, pressing Luffy's face into her boobs. ""Look, you're the captain, you should be married to a member of your crew! Especially if you're going to get the One Piece..." Nami's eyes shined in avarice, as Hancock looked like she was about to break down in tears.

"Wh-What?" The Snake Empress cried.

"YOU BASTARD! HOW CAN YOU GET ALL THE WOMEN AFTER YOU?" Sanji demanded.

"It's because you're an idiot," Zoro said flatly.

"What did you say Seaweed head!" Sanji snarled.

"I wonder when they got married," Usopp mumbled.

"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, STUPID!" Zoro and Sanji bellowed.

"Even in synch!" Usopp gasped.

"Ah? You fight the one you're married to?" Luffy asked.

"Sometimes," Nami admitted. "But you're not married to anyone you've fought!" She said quickly. Luffy sighed in relief.

"Good! I don't think I'd want to be married to Alvida!"

"Well, maybe after she ate her Devil Fruit," Sanji observed. "YOU BASTARD!"

"Luckily for Nami, or else she'd have a lot of wives right now."

"So, wait, I'm confused... How do you get married anyway?" Luffy asked.

"Well, a priest or a judge or a captain marries the couple," Robin said, entering the conversation for the first time. Primarily because she'd been enjoying everything going on without the need to intervene.

"I would marry you and Hancock," Nyon said proudly. Hancock blushed happily again.

"He's not getting married to you! Besides, what claim do you have on him, huh?" Nami demanded. "He freed me and my entire village from eight years of slavery and avenged my mother!" She pulled Luffy into her cleavage again. "And I've served as his faithful navigator!"

"Mmph!" Luffy cried out.

"DAMN YOU LUFFY! YOU SON OF A BITCH, BURN, BURN IN HELL BURN!" Sanji bellowed.

"Shut up you shitty cook," Zoro snorted.

"Oh my... He did all that?" Hancock asked, clasping her hands together. "He is truly deserving of the Royal Haki!"

"Aw, thanks Boa!" Luffy said. Boa swooned. Nami scowled... And then grew sly.

"Luffy... I'll do everything I do for you now, plus more... _Plus_ cook you meat," she said. Luffy blinked.

"... For free?" He asked.

"Well, I won't want payment in money~," Nami said suggestively.

"What in?" Luffy asked.

"She's truly shameless," Nyon observed.

"You haven't seen her drinking," Zoro commented.

"Or stealing," Franky added.

"Or changing," Brook said.

"Or dealing," Usopp quipped.

"YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL!" Nami screamed.

"Such a temper." Boa said, laughing delicately behind her hand.

"Oh my... So refined," Nami said, staring intently at Boa. She shook her head rapidly. "No! I refuse! You can't have him!"

"Ohohoho, there is no one in the world who can resist my beauty."

"Of course I can," Nami said simply. She pushed Luffy's face into her boobs even harder. "This helps~"

"I'LL KILL HIM!" Sanji roared, and had to be restrained by Chopper, Usopp and Franky.

"You'll only make Miss Navigator upset," Franky said.

"Mwah! N-Nami! I couldn't breath!" Luffy protested, as he yanked his head away from Nami's chest. Being a rubber man, however, he put too much effort into it and his neck stretched, sending his face between Hancock's breasts.

"O-Oh!" Hancock gasped, turning bright red. She fainted dead away, and Luffy's head snapped back, slamming Nami off her feet and to the deck.

"DAMN HIM! THIS IS TORTURE!" Sanji sobbed. "THE PAIN OF MY HEART IS KILLING ME!"

"Oh shut up, shitty cook."

"SCREW YOU MOSSHEAD!"

"Ohhh..." Luffy groaned as he got up, and shook his head. "Man... Hey, Robin?  
What's that you said about how to get married?"

"Priests, judges, and captains," Robin repeated, smiling serenely. Nami and Boa both rose, and Luffy nodded, looking very serious.

"Ah. All right... Nami? Tell me the truth," Luffy said seriously.

"Yes?"

"Nami... Can you really cook?" Luffy asked. Nami nodded.

"Yes!"

"Nami," Luffy said warningly. Nami hesitated.

"Ah, well..."

"Namiii..."

"With time I could-"

"Namiii!"

"... I could learn?" Nami offered. Luffy stared for a bit, before he nodded and grinned.

"It's okay to be bad at it, Nami!" Luffy said. He nodded. "In fact... I have an idea of how to make you happy!"

"Really?" Nami asked eagerly.

"Really?" Hancock asked, in a depressed tone. Luffy nodded again.

"Since I'm the captain... I'm marrying you and Sanji!" Luffy said.

There was another harsh silence, before everyone exploded into speech.

"WHAT?" Nami demanded.

"THANK YOU, CAPTAIN LUFFY! I'LL FOLLOW YOU FOREVER!" Sanji cried out with tears of joy.

"Uh huh! If you want someone to cook you meat, you should marry Sanji! After all, he likes you already," Luffy said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I TOTALLY AGREE CAPTAIN!" Sanji shouted.

"Okay! It's settled! By the power of being... Me! You're married!" Luffy said.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Nami shouted.

"I'm a captain, aren't I?" Luffy asked.

"Nami-swan...you have made me the happiest man in the world," Sanji said, having managed to escape his captors and take Nami's hand. He knelt in front of her and smiled lovingly up at her face. She couldn't help a bit of a blush, but her anger was kindled.

"Luffy! There's more to marriage than cooking!"

"I know, but I'm making sure you're taken care of first of all!" Luffy said.

"He's so kind isn't he?" Chopper sighed.

Zoro sighed. "Idiots..."

"Fufufu," Robin laughed.

"So... That just leaves one other person on the ship who loves meat as much as me," Luffy said. He looked over at Zoro, who started.

"What? Don't get any ideas, I don't need a wife!"

"I would not mind cooking for Zoro," Robin suggested. This got the whole of the crew staring at her.

"EH?"

Aside from Nami and Sanji.

"SANJI! WE ARE NOT MARRIED!"

"But Nami-swaaan!"

"Okay! Robin, Zoro, married!" Luffy said cheerfully. Zoro's cheeks turned red as Robin shot him an amorous look.

"DAMNIT! We're not married! You're a PIRATE captain, it doesn't count!" Zoro snarled.

"I will work hard and do my best, Captain," Robin said, a light blush on her cheeks.

"Break her heart and I'll break the rest of you, Mosshead," Sanji said in total seriousness.

"We always knew you'd tie the knot!" Usopp snickered.

"Enjoy the fall from the noble ranks of the bachelors!" Franky saluted him.

"I have always wanted to play at a wedding, yohohoho!" Brook added.

"IT'S NOT OFFICIAL! AND I DIDN'T AGREE!" Zoro snarled.

"He is going to be the King of the Pirates, dear," Robin said.

"The only way it'll be official is if he defeats me!" Zoro snarled. Luffy grinned.

"Oh? Really?"

"Yeah," Zoro said, with a bestial grin. A grin Luffy soon returned.

The rest of the Straw hats and observers ran for safer viewing locations, while a truly epic battle began. When all was said and done, Zoro lay beaten on the deck of the _Thousand Sunny_, twitching in agony.

"You! ARE! MARRIED!" Luffy bellowed. He picked Zoro up and tossed him to Robin. "Have lots of kids and meat!"

"I-I can't feel my legs," Zoro groaned. Robin laughed, and brushed her fingers through his hair.

"I guess we're stuck together now," Robin teased.

"I am going... To kill him," Zoro moaned.

"Truly, an epic struggle," Usopp murmured, shivering a bit. "I'm just glad he didn't try to marry me..."

"Yohoho! I don't think he'll mind handing her his bone! Yohohoho, Skull Joke!" Brook laughed.

"A really bad one. You're slipping lately, Brook," Usopp said.

"I can't help it. I'm smoothed to the bone! Yohohoho!"

"That's even worse!" Usopp shouted.

Luffy had not escaped the battle unscathed though. His stomach growled, and he staggered a bit.

"So... Hungryyy," Luffy groaned. He sniffed the air.

"Here you are, Luffy-sama! I cooked you a meal while you were fighting," Hancock cried, and waved her hand back behind her. A full table was set up, covered in a vast feast. Luffy's eyes popped open wide.

"EH?"

"Man, she IS determined to marry him," Usopp observed.

"Mm. She has trained under the best chefs on Amazon Lily," Nyon said.

"WHEN DID YOU GET NEXT TO ME?" Usopp screamed, falling off the railing and onto the deck. Chopper stared in shock as Luffy went about devouring his meal hungrily.

"SO GOOOOD! I LOVE YOU, HANCOCK!" Luffy shouted. Hancock fainted dead away at this, as Luffy continued to tear into his meal. Nami sighed, depressed.

"There he goes," she sighed.

"Do not worry, Nami-swan. I swear, I will sweep you off your feet properly!" Sanji said.

"And how many other women?" Nami asked flatly.

"Nonsense! I'm a married man now," Sanji huffed.

"I give him five minutes before he starts ogling another woman," Usopp said.

"Three," Franky said.

"One," Brook said.

"Nobody asked you bastards!" Sanji snarled.

"Haaa... That was a great meal," Luffy sighed happily, patting his stomach. He looked over at the unconscious Hancock. "Ah? Hey! Hancock! Wake up!"

"Mmm..." She sighed in her sleep.

"Try waking her with a kiss!" Chopper said. "Like in the fairy tale!"

"Oh, okay!" Luffy said, grinning as he saluted Chopper. Nyon smiled approvingly at Chopper, and the little reindeer grinned.

"You're a lot more devious than I thought, eh reindeer?" Franky asked.

"You stupid bastard, I'm not like that! Go away!"

Hancock, meanwhile, awoke to the sensation of lips pressed against her own. She very slowly opened them, as though unable to believe what she was seeing or feeling.

"Mwah!" Luffy broke the kiss and grinned. "Oh! You're awake! That's good, Hancock!"

"I was k-kissed awake," Hancock breathed, trembling all over as a beautiful red blush came over her skin. "This feeling coming over me...I...I...!"

"Eh? You okay?" Luffy asked. She answered by pouncing on him, her clothes coming off in the process."W-Woah!" Luffy cried, as a dust up, as in a fight, ensued. Luffy's clothes flew out, including his hat. However, _that_ was caught by Boa's hand and yanked back into the dustcloud.

"That's our captain..." Usopp sighed.

"Yohoho! She's getting the-"

"Say it and die all over again, Skull Head!" Nami threatened, though she held less venom in it than usual. Possibly because of Sanji holding her. The cook wiped a tear from his eyes.

"They grow up so fast," he sighed.

"Shameless..." Zoro sighed.

"Prude!" Sanji growled.

"Idiot!" Zoro snarled back despite his wounds. Robin simply chuckled, while Franky covered Chopper's eyes. He, of course, stared shamelessly.

"What's going on? Is Luffy fighting?" Chopper asked.

"Something like that, yeah," Franky said.

"WOAAAHHHH!" Luffy yelled.

"OH! Oh m-my~! AH~! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahn! Ahn! AHN! AHN! AHN!  
L-LUFFY-SAMA~!" Hancock cried out loudly.

When the smoke cleared, Boa was perched atop Luffy, her arms covering her naughty bits conveniently. Luffy's hat sat slightly skewed on her head, and she wore the biggest smile anyone had ever seen on her face. Luffy looked a bit out of it, as though thinking hard.

"Luffy-sama?" Hancock asked. Luffy slowly smiled.

"This is... As good as food."

Gasps filled the air.

"N-No way...!" Nami gaped.

"Uwaahhh! Luffy's gone insane!" Brook shouted.

"No, Luffy's just discovered another important biological function," Sanji said, as Robin nodded sagely. Zoro rolled his eyes.

"V-very important..." Hancock sighed.

"Mmm... Luffy wrapped his arms around her. "I think I wanna do it more... Then eat more food..."

"Whatever you like, Luffy-sama~" Hancock moaned.

"Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!" Luffy grinned.

"THEN GO DO IT IN PRIVATE!" Screamed the rest of the crew.

_Owari_


End file.
